In love. Still in love with a guy whose heart does
not contain my name anymore.
Our love was a “hot and cold” love. It became hot when we
are in each other’s arms then cold when he’s far away. We live in a same town.
I knew him back when I was a high school student because I often saw him making
fun with his friends who are fortunately my acquaintances in our neighborhood. However, that time, I don’t have any feelings towards him. I don’t even know
his name. He is just a tall, skinny, and playful guy.
When I finished my secondary education, I decided to
pursue my college degree in Iloilo. I enjoyed my stay there and developed a
relationship that I thought would last for a lifetime with a marine guy. But
God never favored it and we ended our relationship after three years. I
thought I would not be able to recuperate my heart for a long time but.. surprise!, I became cheerful again after
two to three weeks.
It was mid-November 2010 when someone tried to converse
with me through Facebook. To my surprise, he was the same guy in our town. At
first, I don’t want to be his friend because he had the same course with my
recent “ex”. I tried to avoid him as much as possible until he stopped
communicating with me. I felt relief.
But..
He started contacting me after five months.
I really don’t want to talk with him! But he keeps on
insisting to have little talks with me until I decided to give him a chance.
After all, we’re of the same town and adding a new friend on my list is not
actually a bad idea. It started with small talks over the phone (because he is
studying in Davao that time and I am also preparing myself to enter law school)
until it became a routine of 11pm to 6am. Would you believe that? Haha.. But it’s
true. We never talked about love, commitments, and courtship. It’s anything
under the heat of the sun. I really saw him as my smart friend.
Until, he started opening his heart to me. He told me
that, unexpectedly, he fell in love with me. I was speechless. I was verbally
constipated. Haha.. But, I don’t have feelings for him! I don’t want to lose a
special friend. He matters. He courted me for two years. He patiently waited
for me for a long time. But that two years was my chance to see his other side.
He is so thoughtful. He never failed to contact me when he got a chance. At
that time, he was completing his “On the Job Training” in a how many nautical
miles. I never met him in person for that whole two years but was able to meet
his family.
Until
the day comes when we met for my panel interview where I was accepted as a law
student..
I
said, yes!
I
fall in love with a marine guy.. AGAIN.
Things
became hotter and happier. I felt love and care.
Until
he came back from his school to finish his studies..
Things
became colder and sadder. I felt hate and neglect.
Things
became different. He rarely talks with me. Reasons were he was busy or tired or
sleepy then next thing I know, he became a different person. I don’t know him
anymore. Gone is the guy I talked with a couple of hours until the rooster
crows in the morning. Gone is the guy who took great effort to make me smile.
At first, I became a fool. I am blinded by love. I made efforts to salvage our
love. But it’s hopeless when the other party does not appreciate your effort. I
never thought our love became messy. I was contented and confident that our
love has a strong foundation. Or so I thought. It became a one-sided love
affair.
After
27 months, I decided to let him go. I realized that I am a girl who doesn’t deserve
being an OPTION. It hurts! People said that it is more hurtful when a person
you love broke up with you. But why does it feel so wrong? I let him go. I
broke up with him! But why am I that person who feels this excruciating pain? I’ve
been hurting myself for two years already. In fact, I’ve been hurting since the
day I felt his love starting to fade. I love him so much that I let him go
because he is not happy with me anymore. I can feel it. Every. Single. Day.
I
decided to divert my attention to many activities. I tried everything so that I
could forget him even for a moment. I have been asking God for help. To stop
this madness. To stop this pain. I became dependent with God because I know He
is my Great Comforter but why does my mind comes to our memories?
You
know what’s the most crucial part of being in silence? That’s when I saw him
crying before we broke up. Why did he even bother to cry? I let him go. He should
be happy! Footspa naman o! What’s his
reason for crying? Is it because he betrayed me? Is it because he can’t let me
go but he had to for he doesn’t want to see me hurt anymore? Or am I that one
who hurt him? Or am I that one who doesn’t understand him? There are so many
questions that still linger in my head. I always end up thinking why he cried
that day before he said that he loves me but he had to let me go, too. I still
remember that last kiss he gave me, those tears he shed for me, those pain in
his eyes, those hugs that trembles and unsure, and those fake smiles that gave
me hint that he already left me a long time ago..
But,
I f*cking love him so much. So damn much that I don’t want to see him anymore!
I
am hurting but he is smiling.
I
am struggling but he is still smiling.
I
was the reason behind his smiles before until he can only force his smiles.
Then, later on, I am not the one who could make him smile anymore.
I
wish he knows how I can still manage to survive here after he broke me into
pieces. I wish he sees what he did to me. I wish he did not approach me when in
the end, he just left me.
God
knows I’ve done so hard to forget him but he never left my system. Fool.
Stupid. Weak. Helpless. Shattered.
Too.
Much. Pain.
Someone,
save me. Please.
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